Thoughts...My Biological Father

I was about to write about guys for my girls only workshop and suddenly felt at a loss for words. I need to talk to my father. I just want to talk to him because I haven’t and I want a relationship with him. I want to know why he left me, and refused to call me over the years. he has my number and STILL hasn't called me. I want to develop a relationship with him. I don’t know what it’s like to have a natural father in my life besides God and I feel like a piece of me is missing, a part of the puzzle is missing.

I’m not expecting a grand entrance or tearful reunion because I'm not a sensitive person, I just want answers and to talk to him, maybe introduce salvation to him. I don’t want him to die without knowing his only daughter loved him and just wanted him to be there in his life.

Relationships change, and people change but my love for him...(God’s love is first)...NEVER died, in spite of what he did. It’s like I was always waiting for him to come around and just talk to me and see how I’m doing. I want closure. If He only sees me one more time in this life, I want him to know that I DO love him.

Now I know that he seems to be doing okay, I want to be near him so that he can get off drugs, but only God can do that. God’s love CAN change this man. I am prepared for ever answer he may give and I want to talk to him and get closure.

I feel like I would have been a daddy’s girl and I would have better relationships with men, If I had stayed in contact with him. I would know what to expect from them. I feel like he doesn’t care enough to call, he cares more about getting his next high than he do for his children and I don’t appreciate that. I’m human too. I feel I can help him turn around, but that’s God’s job. I want answers and to just talk to him if possible.

If I could go back in time I would ask how did boys act so that I could be prepared for the one who doesn’t like me, the one who rejected me, the one who lost interest, the one who knew that I was inexperienced(with relationships), the one who tried to play me but I recognized....perhaps he could have helped me and gave me wisdom.

Time heals ALL wounds and the man God has for me will be willing to go the distance to be friends and patient with me, I know that without a shadow of a doubt that it's meant for me to be married with a family. I am the only who will break the generational curse upon EVERY woman in my family and that I've come across. who's ever dated a married man, got into a relationship that's not right with no judgement and ended up with a family and who is in a relationship that's not healthy but they think they're in love.

It IS worth waiting for.

FAST FORWARD...

I met him for the first time in 10 years and didn’t feel anything, except that I wanted to ask WHY are you still living this life? WHY are you here(in the streets), don’t you see God has kept you alive for no reason?

He looked okay, a resemblance of my younger brother with the same ways and attitude. He gave me a hug and then there was silence where I had to minister to HIM and MY MOTHER and they listened and couldn’t believe what they heard from me.

I am okay and if he never calls, never wants or attempts to see me again-I’m fine with it. I don’t want to go or feel led to go back and visit him though. If I do it won’t be alone.

These are random thoughts that I had to get out. I pray it helps you, the reader to see that we all are human and change doesn't happen overnight but it’s possible.

I never got around to completing the subject and will when God gives me what to talk about concerning guys. I do know after this weekend that there are still some nice ones out there and you have to continually show yourself friendly, with boundaries.

-Tiffany